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Two Front Teeth (2008)

Two Front Teeth


Santa Claus is coming and he's gonna fuck you up!  Two Front Teeth is a kick ass Christmas horror movie just like one of those ultra low budget videos that you would have picked up on the shelves of your local no-name video store sometime in the mid 1980s before Blockbuster took over and homogenized everything.  I miss movies like this!  It's dark and creepy, but at the same time it's silly.  It's a guilty pleasure.  Two Front Teeth is like Gremlins on acid.  I can't believe that a movie like this offers such a sense of nostalgia.  It makes me think I must have watched some pretty crazy shit as a kid!  Regardless of when you started watching horror movies, the combination of horror and Christmas really work in this campy independent gem.

The plot starts off kind of familiar: 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house not a creature was stirring, well, except for some fucked up elf in a Michelle Pfeiffer Catwoman costume with sharp pointy teeth!  Tabloid newspaper writer, Gabe Snow (played by Johnny Francis Wolf) doesn't like Christmas and Santa Claus seriously freaks him out.  His wife Noel (played by Megan Pearson) works retail, so Christmas isn't exactly her favorite time of the year either, but she gets herself through it by screwing around behind her husband's back (Ho, ho, ho).  It doesn't take long for the evil elves to show up and start spilling blood.  There's a good bit of gore, blood, action and fighting, lots of evil elves and even some ninja nuns!  

The story is campy.  The audio isn't too bad and the soundtrack is fitting.  I actually like the lighting.  Even though it would be too dark for most movies, it somehow works for this one.  The acting is in line with what you'd expect from a movie like this one.  I could have done without some of the computer FX; maybe because that took me away from the 80s feel of the movie, but other than that, I really did enjoy this one!  Even their website, twofrontteethmovie.com, looks cool (although very slow loading and not as informative as you might like.)  I totally recommend Two Front Teeth as a fun alternative to the standard Christmas movies that you probably watch every year! 

Gore-o-meter rating: 3.5 out of 5
(There's a good bit of gore)

Skin-o-meter: 1 out of 5 (no nudity, but there is one scene of foreplay)